9/18 NICU Day 26

I think all three of us, Kevin, Olivia, and myself, all felt out of sorts. It was just a very “off” day. 

When I got into the hospital this morning, I noticed Olivia’s heart rate was still elevated. I asked the PA about it since the reason it was elevated had been explained originally as her being anemic…recall the blood transfusion. The PA stated that they were going to lower her caffeine dose to see if that would help her heart rate. I’m not sure if I ever explained that-but she’s been getting caffeine doses twice a day to help avoid apnea events. I asked again if there was anything else for us to be concerned about..such as infection…to which she replied that Olivia was doing really great and other than elevated heart rate they had no concerns. Olivia had even gained weight, she’s 1 lb 13.6 oz today. 

So I was feeling pretty ok…but then when holding Olivia she had a hard time maintaining her oxygen. We were missing one of our primary nurses so this didn’t necessarily ease my anxiety. I left the hospital in tears. Kevin and I went for a walk, prayed, and I organized (my way of de-stressing) & felt much better when we both were heading back to the hospital in the evening. 

Unfortunately, when Kevin was holding Olivia, she was having a hard time keeping her heart rate up. This was causing Kevin to feel uneasy and in turn I think Olivia was also uncomfortable. After the third time her heart rate dipped, and only about 40 minutes of holding Olivia, the nurse had us put her back in the incubator. Kevin and I both felt deflated. 

Once back in her incubator she was doing fine. We stayed for a little over two hours after she was all tucked back in. But the uneasiness made it difficult for us to leave to go home. 

Kevin and I held hands and talked over those two hours…we kept coming back to how even though we are frustrated, anxious, scared, and tired…that our circumstance could be worse. We need to be thankful for each other, our friends and families, and all that God has done and given us. As we reminded each other of all these things…even mundane every day things…the anxiety dissipated..the fear turned to trust..the frustration turned to joy..and we felt renewed. Olivia didn’t have any further dips or desats (episodes) after being back in her incubator and seemed just as comfy and content as she has typically has been. It was still hard to ultimately leave the hospital but my heart felt lighter after the time spent reflecting. 

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